Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
