I think my fart just growled at me.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
