I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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