i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
