dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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