i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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