If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Randomize
