Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
