My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
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