i was born a porn star she said
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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