Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Randomize
