i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
