good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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