I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
