i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
