Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
