My friends, they love my intelligence
Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Actions speak louder than pants.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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