My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
