Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
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