I think I died a long time ago.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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