His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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