Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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