i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Randomize
