The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
