Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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