He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
