So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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