When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
