I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
