It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
