remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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