Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
