Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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