Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Randomize
