just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
