Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
