$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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