K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Randomize
