The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
my phone needs a breathalizer
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
