i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
