there's paper in my vomit.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
