we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
