Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
