you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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