im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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