I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Randomize
