is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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