she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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