You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
