Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Randomize
